My insanity

Two nights ago, my insanity appeared in full force. During dinner, I was telling my children (adults) that they need to be a little quieter during the next few days because Bill has a dentist appt tonight and he is working an extra 4 hours on each weekend day, meaning he'll have to go to bed earlier. (He works overnights). And someone jokingly says, yeah, right, dentist and overtime. And my sick, insecure brain broke out all the stops and went down a very dark path, remembering past betrayals (not by Bill). Within minutes, my brain had Bill involved in everyone from his ex-girlfriend to a hooker. I was sure that I was not enough for him or anyone else.

My AA sponsor tells me that my mind is like a bad neighborhood. I should never go there alone. Man, is she right.

When Bill woke up to go to work, I was a mess. I had been crying. I felt jealousy and terror at the prospect of losing him. I went up into our bedroom ...and I found another beautiful flower arrangement. (He had left me a dozen pink roses downstairs) with a handwritten note that said, "To my love. To my life." And I came full circle back to that place where I know I am loved and Bill isn't going to cheat on me or leave me.

But even knowing that, my eating has been out of control, compulsive for the past two days. I know it is connected, but I'm having trouble stopping. I'm so very grateful it is not alcohol, but it still feels horrible. I went to my OA meeting last night and shared, but this morning I am still out of control. I'm not eating sugar, but I just finished off a box of sugar free cookies and it's not even 10 a.m.!

This is always a weird time of year for me, as my first pregnancy ended on Valentine's Day 1984 via ectopic pregnancy. It took me years to make the connection with my depression this time of year, and that event. A few years back, I named that baby and grieved the loss. I thought it would lessen the depression in following years, but here I am again going off track. Not sure it's related, but had to put it out there because it's in my head.

Thanks for listening.

Jill,

So sorry that your mind took over like that! Good to know that Bill is a good guy. Sounds like a keeper to me!! :-)

It is interesting the topic of your miscarriage. I too suffered a miscarriage about 9 months before I got pregnant with Deanna. It was a devastating loss for me, I was very depressed and emotional for months. All these years later, I wonder if I am still affected by that loss...I think about that baby from time to time. Obviously, there was some reason why I lost (and you lost) our babies. Don't know the reason, but the reason that gives me some comfort is that there was something dramatically wrong with the baby, like a birth defect or something like that!!
I know having a child with learning issues is difficult enough for me to handle...

((HUGS))
Beth

Yes, our minds can run down the road way ahead of reality and take us to all kinds of craziness.

I try very consciously not to worry. I will pray when I am concerned. I will help others when I can. But I really have had to work hard and deliberately not to get into a "worry" cycle.

I love what your sponsor said....your mind is like a bad neighborhood - don't go there alone. Excellent metaphor!!!! (Or similie, to be more accurate!)

Jill,

     Sorry to hear about you going to that dark spot.  I also can relate to my mind being like a bad neighborhood.  It's a good thing that people can't hear what thoughts go through my mind - I would be locked up for sureIt's good that you can come to the board and vent.  Also good that you have AA and OA for support.  Don't be too hard on yourself - you are doing a lot of good things for yourself and your sobriety (food/alcohol).  Take care.

HugsDonna

Donna, tell us how you are doing!

Hi Jill,
I have gone to bad neighborhoods before, and came out a mess.  Don't beat yourself up.  Learn from it.  Next year, prepare yourself spiritually for Valentines Day.  I go to a dark place in October, because I suffered a terrible loss in that month.  I have to pray and prepare spiritually for that time of year so I don't go out of control.  I hope you are able to get things under control soon.  

Hugs,
Trish